stalking and other good manners

You know how sometimes things are there for seemingly odd reasons? like taking a class because it fit nicely into your student schedule, or ordering a particular flavor of ice-cream because that elegant lady in front of you did? Or still breastfeeding not because it's cheaper or less work (which it is, both), but due to complete disgust at the smell of warm milk - a la formula?

Well if I told you "child-stalker", what image would come to mind? That of a certain adorable not-quite-walking not-quite-8 months old? I think not. (I realize this is similar to a great scene in A Time To Kill where Matthew McConaughey asks the jury members to close their eyes, and tells them a story, then says "Can you see her? I want you to picture that little girl. Now imagine she's white.") So, yes, lil one is a child stalker. And her heart breaks every time a child walks away from her.

She's so utterly fascinated by babies, older children (and dogs), that it makes leaving her at daycare a tad bit easier on my guilty conscience. And reassures me a little bit that her daycare hunger strike might end one day. The drama-princess!

I completely resent one of the daycare ladies, in particular her not-so-subtle insinuations that if lil one's upset when I leave, then I must be raising her wrong. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH does not quite begin to describe how I feel. First of all, isn't it part of her job to make it easier on the parents to leave their kids there, not harder? Second of all, A is precious and perfect in my eyes and anyone failing to see that is clearly demented and should not be put in charge of little bundles of joy (and energy). Third of all, seems entirely reasonable to me (even reassuring as to her emotional sanity) that A'd be a little fazed when I disappear. Fourth of all, who the hell is she to judge that A's mostly angelic but sometimes feisty temperament is the result of me doing something as opposed to who A is. So there. Resentment vented.

And the drama princess' mother (me) was under some drama of her own recently. Woke up whimpering with pain at 2:30am with a boob hotter than the Death Valley at noon in August. mastitis with infection, from trying to introduce formula in the afternoon. yikes.

So that's the land I inhabit - hot, adventuresome, and full of drama. Wouldn't have it any other way. Although feel free to come visit that land, there's plenty of room for company.

coiffes, glides and great apes

Picture walking through an old dusty museum with a curator who's been giving the same tour for 40 years. Can you feel the excitement? That's pretty much what the yoga class I attended this morning was. Despite frequent admonishings to close my eyes, I stared at the gray depressing ceiling trying not to fall asleep. I chatted with the nice (yawn) teacher afterwards who asked where I used to do yoga previously. "The US?", she asked. "Mmmh... chez eux le yoga ca decoiffe, non?" - figuratively, yoga there is more active; literally, yoga over there messes up your hair. In fact I think if it's an hour and a half of yoga while keeping on a perfect coiffe and fancy earrings, it's not my style. Am a bit nonplussed - this class came with such high recommendations. I've looked at others; I even drove half an hour. Am giving up. So I'll just save my 170euros and do yoga with me ownself.

Life's been interesting. We created a room for the little one out of the back end of our living room/dining room area. Surprisingly, she loves it. Can she already sense that it's all her own space, the playpen, the dresser, the little chair and toys and books and crib? Sometimes I feel like a twisted kind of scientist - the type that runs experiments on the great apes with a big mental checklist. Lil One able to recognize self in mirror? Check. Lil One able to recognize own name and parents' name? Check. Lil One able to feed self? Messily. When does it end? Are we a culture of such developmental checklist and experts and comparisons that there's no such thing as living, only living self-consciously anymore?

Speaking of self-consciousness, or rather self-analysis, I realized that sometimes a little bit of something is in fact worse than none of something. Take rain for instance. Or human company.
We were invited for drinks at 1 of the only 2 families we know in the area. (Their little one is 15 days younger than ours and I met the mom at a pregnant swim class.) I came back lonelier than before. As long as I was heads down in our hermits routine, I wasn't even aware of our isolation; and then the bubble burst. Oh achiness. The discussions on next steps and potential relocations are going at full speed again. Especially since the world ended last week. Well, almost. P was told he would not be allowed to fly in France. Or rather I took the call while he was out on a walk. World came tumbling down, I was pretty much ready to start packing that instant. He's taken it lightly (right... he stayed up thinking about it until 2am...)

Ach. What's one to do? What's one to do?

3 "mistake" years

Excerpts from a recent article from the Human Rights blog on US illegal detentions:

Seventy to 90 percent of the Iraq detentions in 2003 were "mistakes," U.S. officers once told the international Red Cross.

Yet they say,

Every U.S. detainee in Iraq "is detained because he poses a security threat to the government of Iraq, the people of Iraq or coalition forces," said U.S. Army Lt. Col. Keir-Kevin Curry, a spokesman for U.S.-led military detainee operations in Iraq.


But dozens of ex-detainees, government ministers, lawmakers, human rights activists, lawyers and scholars in Iraq, Afghanistan and the United States said the detention system often is unjust and hurts the war on terror by inflaming anti-Americanism in Iraq and elsewhere.

Duh.

And thousands of people still languish in a limbo, deprived of one of common law's oldest rights, habeas corpus, the right to know why you are imprisoned.

Back to the middle ages.

In Iraq, Army jailers are a step ahead. Last month they opened a $60-million, state-of-the-art detention center at Camp Cropper, near Baghdad's airport.


Questions of Law, Sovereignty
Meanwhile, officials of Nouri al-Maliki's 4-month-old Iraqi government say the U.S. detention system violates Iraq's national rights.
"As long as sovereignty has transferred to Iraqi hands, the Americans have no right to detain any Iraqi person," said Fadhil al-Sharaa, an aide to the prime minister. "The detention should be conducted only with the permission of the Iraqi judiciary."

Imperialism? Colonialism? Contempt and racism? Moral superiority?

out

super active and alert baby + sleepless long flights + jetlag + new tooth + grocery delivery at 7am (8 hours ahead of eta) = one conked out (sp?) maman

the little one got sick for the first time (a mere cold) two days before our flight to the US - while the pediatrician was on vacation... she got sick the second time while in the US (while I was working very long days)... and got sick for the third time the day before we had to leave the US. that's three times in 2 weeks. 0 times in the previous 7 months.

we've been back for ten rough days. her sleeping is erratic to err on the gentle side. brutal and hellish comes a bit closer to reality. I feel pulled back to 5 months ago. ouch.
i'd attribute it to jetlag if it weren't for the fact that she's like clockwork, waking up and going to bed at the same time every day. but she won't stay down.
so the doc thinks it's teeth. i was thinking "teeth, schmeeth", you know; she's got three already, what's another gonna do to her? well, apparently i should've been asking "what's four simultaneous ones gonna do to her". all top four teeth seem to be coming in at once. yikes.
right now, i wish she'd been born with a full set of teeth.

i'm having a blast though, mostly watching her.
for instance, she meticulously picks up every dry leaf she comes across, crumbles it between her fingers and looks on ecstatically, then spots another, squats down, picks it up, crumbles, ad vitam aeternam.
so instead of playing with her, i'm filling the role of bodyguard/bystander. i've stocked up on bump and bruise medication. we're set for a whole new set of adventures.

work was awesome. the conference was beyond inspiring. it was grounding, uplifting, heart-wrenching, eye-opening. wow. i am in awe of these women. and it's my job to work with them. wow.
but i'm tired of the manual. tired of working on it on my own. tired of too little sleep and too little feedback on it.

i need a vacation.

the little one's started daycare - sort of. she got kicked out of it - sort of: last week was 'adaptation' week. went in with her for a half hour the first day. then subsequently she spent 1/2 hour, 1 hour, 2 hours, 5 hours on her own there. did splendidly well (except for the eating). she's so social and excited to have new faces and new toys, i knew it wouldn't be a problem. so monday off we go for the first full day. she'd done one of her wake-up-every-2-hours the night before stint followed by a refuse-to-take-a-morning-nap routine. we were all a little pooped. i got a call from the daycare two hours after i dropped her off asking me to come pick her up. that she'd spent the time screaming (except for a brief nap). wouldn't even drink expressed milk. a disaster.

stay tuned as tomorrow's attempt #2 at a full day at daycare.

i already feel immensely guilty at leaving her there in great (2 adults + a supervisor for 5 babies) but not oustanding care. please let me have a few hours before she's sent home so i can make progress on the darn manual at times other than 11pm at night.

i must sound pretty down, which really i'm not. i've had a fabulous day - we went to the park to look at ducks and horses and dogs (love of her life), and dry leaves and wood sticks of course (love of life #2). the metamorphosis between the mostly-horizontal baby to the now mostly-vertical pre-toddler is absolutely fantastic and fun and cute and endearing.

and i wish you were all much closer so you could come see it.

we're on NPR !

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6044642, click the "Listen" button.

PS: I'll post more later, it's been crazy busy.