Note to self

I am worn out. How boring. About as exciting as dust accumulating on lamp shades.

Had dinner with friends of my parents this past weekend - the same people who had us over when we were looking for a home. Made me feel crummy by suggesting that a) natural timeline before meeting folks in an area is 3 years b) that to shorten the timeline I should throw myself into settings where I am giving instead of taking, such as charities, church that sort of stuff - well, up until then i didn't consider myself as selfish; am I? I also have about as much time and energy for giving as a marathon runner who's crossed the finish line and is laying down on the side of the road weeping. total sum of selfishness in the last 8 months: 3 swim sessions of less than 30 minutes each, 1 depressing yoga class, 1 body scrub to accompany my mother who needed it as much as I, and an infinite amount of time reading through online mom journals because it makes me feel the slightest bit sane and part of a community of sorts.

I feel like I need to walk through the oft-mentioned tunnel before I get to the light, that I am only starting to cross my desert; and I'm usually fine with a good challenge, a fun triathlon with friends, an enriching experience, but I fear I do not have the energy needed right now.

My grandfather has been in the hospital - again (after two of my grandparents died in the last year; can I call a time out?). We feared a come-back of the lung cancer that's cost him a lung already. Instead it's TB. Which means P, A and self are heading over to the hospital day after tomorrow for some tests, and again next week. which also means I've had to pull out the lil one out of daycare until the results come back negative. which also means with the manual due in two days and still 60 pages of editing on my plate and no daycare, i'm pulling my hair out. And spending way too much time on the momjournal pages to muster up some sense of humour about the whole thing.

Hypothesis of the day: the antidote to sleep deprivation is laughter. Thoughts?